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11:16pm 09/01/2006
  Wow, It's crazy how things happen. I don't remember being this content with my life in a long time. Sure, I'm facing a serious legal issue, but because of that, It has pushed my life in a completely different direction, up the ladder instead of stumbling down it into a fire of doom, because I was too busy worrying about holding the bottle in one hand and the mirror in the other.

I mean, wow, who would have thought one month, not even completely sober yet, my life has been able to change so drastically. I went from college fuck up, no job, no boyfriend, forget about family person to having the best job I have ever had, looking better than I have looked in a long time, having dates all of the time, nice to people person in about a month. I am really proud of myself.

To add to that, the other day, I got a call from Cal Modeling, an agency I had applied to a few months back, and they offered to send me to Sacramento for a shoot, so I leave Thursday. I am so excited and soooo nervous at the exact same time. I am going to be there until the following thursday. They are paying for everything. They are setting me and the other models up in a Condo, Paying for Transportation, Food, and they have even arranged entertainment for us! As my ex put it, now I can only hope for a hot tub... hehe.

For todays activities, I woke up late and was in such a rush to get to my lunch date on time. I was only 10 minutes late, so that wasn't too awful... hehe. After lunch, we saw Brokeback Mountain... It was so good, but soooo sad, and at the same time, extremely HOT! Hehehe... that's my 5 second review! After that I went to get my license plates renewed, but turned out there was a million people, and I still had to fax some stuff for work, so I knew I would never get it all done in time, so one more evening of driving with an expired license plate. lol.

Tomorrow morning, I will once again attempt to get up early and go renew my license plate, followed by going to Las Cruces to do a large extent of work, and then I plan on hanging out with my friend Andrew while I'm up there.

More when we return...

(1 explicit view | make a sex tape)

I'm really not that bad...   
10:25am 04/01/2006
  So yesterday, I worked like all day... I was so tired, but the time did go by really fast and it wasn't bad work... just sucks I'm not gonna get paid until like next friday!

Later in the evening, I was so bored when Ivan called me and invited me over for drinks, so I agreed. I went over and we just chilled and talked. It was actually quite nice, and much to my suprise, I was able to control my liquor... I only had 2 drinks throughout the several hour course I was there.

Scott even joined us after a few hours, and I decided to actually be nice this time, because I really had no reason being mean to him in the first place, and we ended up getting along really well. He's actually a pretty cool guy. I think it's just that whole thing where it bugs you because of like my feelings for Ivan, which are always so mixed... Like I have this comfort with him. It's like sometimes I want him, sometimes I just want to talk to him, it's weird. We actually havn't done anything past friends since he has been back. So I don't know... I guess what happens, happens, and only time can tell.

Antonio called me last night drunk. Ugh... I just can't stand it when he calls me and he is always fucked up and I am trying to live a somewhat sober life now, and I don't know... It's just frustrating. And really, I don't know how to take this relationship. I mean, I guess we are still together, but he lives in ABQ and he has already said twice he was going to come see me and he hasn't, and right now, my situation doesn't really permit me to go see him, otherwise I would. To add to that, he already told me that he was "so sexually frustrated and needed to fuck someone" which is when we decided to have a open relationship, but I think monogomy is the basis of a relationship, and I mean I really didn't feel the need to be intimate with anyone else, but apparently he did, and so to me, it feels like it's hardly a relationship.

Today, I had to wake up at like 9 to take my car to the shop, because they finally got a piece in it was missing, and I'm just hoping they don't take forever, because I have places to be and people to see... lol

(make a sex tape)

this could perhaps explain alot   
01:36am 03/01/2006
  Annonymous Pursuer: then tell me about yourself i want to know what behind those looks
Matt: theres someone that has never lived a dull day in his life... there's someone who is immensely intelligent to the point he ends up getting himself in a great deal of trouble
Matt: someone like me cant seem to color inside the lines
Matt: cant seem to get by the way the rest of the world does
Matt: yet for some reason... i never seem to pay the price, no matter what i do, something carries me out
Matt: and life gets better everytime something terrible is incurred


Today, I basically did nothin for much of the day. Then I went to meet up with KarloZ around 7:30, so we could attend the "Rainbow Recovery" AA meeting. We got there and there were only 3 other people... one of which was just inquiring on the subject because he found out his partner of 30 years was a alcaholic and he was completely oblivious to the fact, one of which was not a alcaholic, but a addict and co-dependant, and the other which was a alcaholic and and addict(He was actually very attractive for his age... he must have been at least in his early 40's). We found ourselves opening up alot to these men, and it was quite an interesting meeting in which I felt I got a lot out of. At the end of the meeting, I even had a very nice chat with the man who had found out his partner of 30 years was a alcaholic, and I think I really helped him with it. He was just the person I needed to talk to and I felt I was just the one he needed to talk to. I could just see the hurt in his eye from the love he had for his partner and it almost broke my heart, to the point I saw my reflection in his eye, showing me how much I had hurt others while I had become such a lush. In that instant, I didn't want to stop this drug abuse for myself, but for all those who I love so much.

May God Bless all those who have prayed for me...

After the meeting, I went to visit Rojer, and luckily he is no longer moving! It seems like things are just falling back into place. I have a job that's better than any I could have asked for, in which simply fell on my lap. I am getting my friends and family back. I am ready to start school again. I am able to go out again without getting wasted. I am completely unsuicidal. I have coped with the fact that I had issues going on, and I am readily willing to admit it in order to repair myself and help others from getting to that point.

It seems like winter is just ending so quickly and the sun is getting brighter every coming day.

(make a sex tape)

life isn't so bad...   
02:40am 02/01/2006
  *ok, so I came to a realization today while watching "the secret life of women" on WE. It was talking about people that are addicted to plastic surgery... and it made me realize that you can be addicted to anything...


Ever since I was barely 16, I could never stand the thought of staying in... I always had to be going out and partying someway or another... whether it was going to bars, clubs, house parties, whatever... i just loved it and well, drugs and alcahol are a big part of partying... so they simply go hand in hand. wow... what a realization... because like i just can't stop going to parties, even when i am taking my sober nights, I simply have to go out or else I go mad, and I turn into a pit of loneliness!

Well to start off, new years was a blast... I won't really explain, but let's just say I decided to treat myself to a good time on new years, after all, it happens to be my favorite holiday and I mean, I've been so good lately.

Tonight, I was supposed to meet up with Pauline for coffee, but she totally flaked on me and just stopped answering my calls. I was enraged by that, and I sent her a series of IM's right now telling her if she is gonna act like that, our friendship is simply not gonna work out. I mean, i don't mind her cancelling on me, but she could have at least let me know something. Instead, she wasn't answering her phone and I stood around declining other offers to go out, because I didn't want to cancel on her. The last call I recieved from her was her asking me if I could give her the number of our friend to get her "party supplies" and then she was gonna call me right back. Now, 8 hours later, I still havn't heard from her.

Don't misunderstand me though and think my night was bad. It was great! I met up with Daniel and we went to Ricky and John's apartment for a party they were having... there were quite a few people, including Calen, which came as quite a suprise, because he told me he wasnt going to be doing anything tonight and that if he did, I would be the first he would call... Well, I thought the Albatros thing was a only time thing, but I guess not.

I guess it's like they say, "Sometimes, life gives you lemons... so you might as well make lemonade."

(3 explicit views | make a sex tape)

Back in the Swing of things... Life isn't just a nap   
11:29pm 28/12/2005
  So lately life has been nothing but a nap and my catching up on my lifetime of movies... I have been somewhat confined to my house for reasons I will not mention at this time and all freedoms and happiness I was used to seemed to slip out from under me without a moment's notice... 14 hours in a jail cell and you come to realize things... and the world just starts to look a bit different.

Today, I woke up at a quarter till 8... God, I can't remember the last time I woke up that early... I remember a few times I went to bed at that time... but waking up... nooooooooooooo

I had to meet my boss at 9, so we could drive up to Las Cruces for my first day of Training. When I met up with him, he was having terrible chest pains, so we waited around a while, hoping they would go away, but when they didn't he decided we better hold off on training and that he better head straight to the doctor, so I went home. One thing I have learned is when you wake up when the sun is up, it's a lot harder to get back to bed.

So I sat around bored off my ass, when I found a new love for the show "Law and Order". Then around 1:00, my friend Pauline called, and we were planning on doing something, when my boss called on the other line to tell me he just got out of the doctor, he was heavily medicated and he was ready for us to train... so hesitantly I agreed to meet him at 2:15.

So we went up to the dealerships, he pretty much just let me do my stuff and it was pretty simple and we only spent a few hours up there, which he ended up paying me very well for. So I was content...

Then I went ahead and went to my AA meeting which wasn't quite as interesting as yesterdays, but all the same was good.

Afterwards, I went to see my friend Rojer. I'm really sad, because we have been friends since 8th grade, and now I find out he is moving on January 4th, so I am trying to hang out with him alot before he departs.

Now... I shall embrace myself with a little SEX and the City...


(make a sex tape)

06:43pm 27/12/2005
  wow... it seems like that's something I hear oh too often anymore... "NEW BEGGININGS"... It's a AA meeting I attend, It's new chances for the new years, it's bad things happened... so here's your second chance... I don't know, It just seems to be something branded on my life at this current place in time.

As well, I would like to start with a second beggining to my livejournal. I had really strayed from my everyday updating and I plan on updating everyday once again... It was like my livejournal at one time was almost famous or somethin... everyone knew about it... it caused drama, it caused envy, it caused pain, and well just got out of control. At that time, I took a step back and decided to keep my life a little more private away from the bastards that read it and used it against me.

So what... this is my journal, and I need somewhere to write what I feel. This is for me. If anyone chooses to read it, that's great... if not, that's also great.

I will not catch up on what has happened over the last few months... there is oh so much to tell, and my life got out of control... through time, in my future journal entries, you will find out all that is going on... until then, just keep wondering.

Today was a pretty good day, except now that I'm at home, alone... in this dark house, I find myself crying within.... and just so alone. I have never felt so alone. And noone other than those I can not be with can understand it... NOONE.

I got up this morning to go to my "NOONERS" AA meeting, but I got lost and I was already late, so I decided to return home. I felt like a faliure... I'm trying to help myself, but I can't even find the damn building.

So then, I came home and chilled for a while and then went to meet up with Pauline. We decided to go paint her dog LOLA a doggy dish "at the CLAYGROUND"... it was pretty fun... just chill... we talked and what not. Then we headed on over to our all to usual hangout at Barnes and just read magazines in the kids section... lol.

Then we were both really tired, so we decided to go home and try to meet up again later.

So who knows what will happen... If I don't hang out with her later, I will probably end up at the 8:00 meeting.

I start the training for my new job tomorrow at 9.

(1 explicit view | make a sex tape)

ecstasy(it's ok... it's a song)   
06:13am 23/09/2005
  By Matt

Everything was, at the beginning so simple,
It's not like I expected,
I didn't mean for this to be,

How could I have met you,
How could this have turned into such ecstasy,
On it, I'm happy as can be,
Without it's pleasure,
I'm sent back to be, nothing but me,
And suddenly I've spent all my happiness,
Spent on something that will soon bring me pain,
And leave me restless and depressed,
But every encounter that I get,
I become overwhelmed once more with the feeling,
I soon can not forget

I was something, built on fundamentals of something so amusing,
I was never much to be caring,
Life was just so inevitably easy,
I was simply breezing by, waiting for my time to fly,
Never much for worry,
I could escape anything, even in a hurry,
I didn't need time, nor money of a dime,
Everything came without ask,
Nothing was ever more than just a simple task,
People loved me,
I was never not surrounded, Many times even hounded,
Never saw a day that was dull, everything was done to the full,
Life was just a game, a simple little picture in the frame,
I always made two steps,
When one was all that was needed,
Warnings wouldn't even have been taken seriously when heeded.


How could it have been,
We fell in each other's little trap, almost senseless,
I never really meant to let it happen, I've never been such a sap,
More so I guess I just sensed you had a motive,
I saw it as my chance to play my favorite game,
To make one just like you fall for me,
To prove myself, I could possibly come to make the impossible tame,
Whatever I felt like this could be,
Was nothing more than an allusion of my odds,
Yet this turned out to be strategies against fate,
Something yet for seen, We all choose to play our cards,
Chance would take the last chip,
And take it all,
In this game, we learned we had no maneuvers that could possibly outwit the hand of time.


Somewhere inside me I said, forget it all,
Boundaries were meant to be broken,
And feelings were something of uncontroll,
I was bound to you, never meant to be tossed about,
How is it that this happened when I had no aspiration for it to be,
Instead of you being under my foot,
I seemed to have tied my arms around your pinky,
I eventually had to give into this when I realized I had actually found something,
It was just so inconceivable I don't think my mind could hardly catch up with my heart,
I was chasing down lights,
And becoming something of a different being,
Someone who wanted to be something for someone,
Someone who wanted to be there for the one he loves,
Somewhere along the line I thought things through on a completely different level of importance,
I was completely utterly entertained by souly being with you,
I was blind to every other person that came my way,
All I could do was think of you,
And wonder how I could possibly better myself for you,
You were perfect, everything I ever wished for,
I cursed my wishes for a while, because I swore it was a hoax.


Time began to be a crazy thing,
Time in our time was a bit more time,
Since at points we were inseparable for days,
Never once was it getting old,
Though sometimes knowledge is never good,
We began to know so much about each other,
We began to not only be something,
But we became everything to each other,
Disconnected from the whole world,
Years of our lives, and places we had been smashed together in a matter of weeks,
Never adventures and hidden compromises,
We seemed to float right back down to the ground.


The real world always has a strange affect on you,
Sometimes it’s just way too much,
And not always, sometimes not ever, are we actually ready for the truth,
And when pushed into it, it's not something I would recommend amongst advice,
Yet, inevitable, I eventually was awoken,
Your here, your still here,
I just wish it was like how it used to be,
When we were together, It was different,
It was hard to look at each other with not having the biggest grin of a smile,
Now at times, I have to look at you and all I see is anger and pain,
And I can't help but let it take my smile away,


In the end you learn,
Amusement is always short-lived,
Fate is something that can never be messed with,
Games aren't always dealed in your favor,
Boundaries are meant to be broken,
Knowledge is something that must be known, but usually is never good,
At one point or another you loose control,
Reality is always awaiting you,
And smiles don't always last.
Love can be the biggest trip.

(make a sex tape)

I'm tired   
03:41am 15/09/2005
  I'm tired of waiting up for you,

I'm tired of being right there in front of you, and yet everything else seems to be so much more inmportant,

I'm tired of you saying one thing and then always doing another,

I'm tired of sitting here watching the phone because you said you would call,

I'm tired of ignoring my friends because there's the chance I could see you,

I'm tired of you coming down here, to run errands or what not,

And yet still not taking a moment to come see me,

I'm tired of putting forth some much effort, and in the end just looking like a dumbass,

I'm tired of trying so hard to make you happy, when in the end it will never be good enough,

I'm tired of always being second best, to everything, to your pride, to your social life, to your addictions,

I'm tired of spending night after night becoming senseless, so i can scab from the tears I cry each day,

I'm tired of waiting up for you to call me back so I can talk you to sleep,

I'm tired of being so fucking thoughtful,

And I'm so fuckin tired of worrying and caring about your problems,

And most of all I'm tired of doing this to myself,

But yet, I'm not really tired at all,

I won't ever stop,

Because It's not about my pain,

It's about my love for you, something that will never die

(1 explicit view | make a sex tape)

Cry from Me   
10:22am 01/09/2005

Please only read this Blog entry if you feel you know me enough to really understand the entry and what I am currently going through.

If not, please close this window now.


Sometimes, I feel like I just don't know what's going on anymore... I am on this constant rampage of highs and lows. Anymore, I am a beautiful wall waiting to crumble at any given moment. A wall that can be rebuilt within minutes, but is unsturdy nonetheless...

Right now I am in the Cyber Cafe at UTEP... I hear the people, the ramblings, the clicking of keys... eveyone with something else going on... everyone with a different struggle, a different purpose, and a different insentive.

I have been at school since a little past 8, even though I don't have class until 10:30... Why? Because my car broke down last Tuesday(coincidentally causing me to miss my first day of classes) on my way to school, coming back from Cruces. I spent half the day at a shithole exit entitled "Vado/Berino"... since then, I have found out that my car is basically useless unless I want to replace the engine, which would cost more than the car is worth. My luck. Me and my dad have been looking for me another car, but meanwhile I am faced with the difficulty of finding rides everywhere, sometimes not even knowing if I will be able to get to school or work. The worste part about it is that it is just all in all stressing me out to the point that I have been in a bad mood... sometimes with my friends, my family, other loved ones, etc.

At home, sometimes things have been getting better... but I don't know what it is, I guess I'm just frustrated, and sometimes I can't even stand the sound of the voices of my family talking to me... It's like they are always trying to push me in one direction, like I am some weak survivor of a fatal accident just getting out of the hospital... It's always "have something to eat", "you should do this", "you should do that", "did you ever?", "are you really doing what you say your doing?", "are you sure you dont wanna...", "so have you talked to ... lately?"... It's like nails on a chalkboard... and most of the time it's not their fault... I just am going crazy at some points in time, where I would rather sit in my backyard alone, not saying a word, not hearing a single noise past the birds chirping and the gentle breeze crackling the leaves... sometimes anymore, the slightest thought of anything can make me break, can make me break down and sob for just everything to be over...

Maybe it's still that thing with my cousin, maybe it's just now that I am accepting it... maybe it's now that I can sit on the other side of the fence and understand this... he's not here, he's not coming back... but I still can't seem to take his number off my phone or delete his sn from my buddy list... I can't stop reminiscing with others like he was still here, joking about the times we had... I can't stand that I don't know exactly where he is... or that I can't ask him how he's doing... WTF? I mean, I know he's in heaven... he had a good heart, but I don't know what it's like... I mean I can't find out anything and it drives me crazy... It wasn't this hard at first... I mean they were all there... his pictures were all there, we were all talking about him, his spirit was lingering with us, but now I have nothing... I mean pictures, but it's just hard to even look at them...

I messed up with school and didn't get everything together on time, so I am only taking 9 hours... I know it's not a big deal, but college was my dream... I didn't want to be doing this just part time... I wanted to work my ass off... I think that's the thing to that bugs me... noone is taking me seriously about this. I can tell that noone thinks I am committed enough to get through college... even friends and aquaintances, I can tell, by their tones, their responses... they just think it's funny that I think I am gonna get through it and do well... I mean, not everyone, alot of people are very supportive as well...

I have been hanging out with Ryan and Stacia alot in Cruces... It's been pretty cool... I mean I really enjoy spending time with them... even their mom. Their mom is one of the nicest people I think I have met... she is so welcoming, and she treats me like one of the family when I am there... I never feel alone there, and I can really tell she cares about both of them. I don't know... it's just it feels good to have people really care... I mean I have become friends with them all really just over that last 5 weeks or so, and already they have become people I truly trust and care about, and with me that doesn't happen often. I'm not the kind of person to fall into the arms of others.

Two nights ago, my dog Oreo died... she was my first dog. I got her when I was going into first grade. I still remember it like it was yesterday. We were living in Seattle, and we were going to come back down to El Paso to visit. Our friend here had told my mom about the beautiful springer spaniel puppy she had for us, and I remember being sooooooo excited to come to El Paso so I could get my puppy, and I remember going to pick her up and she was such a hyper little thing... she was chasing her brother around the coffee table... awww... I had so many laughs and smiles with her over the years... I only regret I didn't spend enough time with her in the end, because when we moved to our new house, we hadn't set it up for dogs yet in the backyard, so she was staying at my dad's house. I only stopped by to see her maybe once a week or so... and then Tuesday Night my dad called to tell me he found her lying in front of the back door, blood running out of her nose, her body hard as rock.

Then, yesterday I had my server final at work.... I have been busting my ass trying to learn everything and to make sure I did it all perfectly... I thought I did fairly well, and then towards the end of it Mayela Turner walked in the door.... I knew I was doomed. For some reason, she has been out to get me recently. I don't know why... maybe because I missed that follow, because it was my best friend's birthday, or maybe just because I wouldn't rat people out, or maybe because I got angry with her for firing little jessica... I really don't know, and I don't really have the energy to get into detail, but she pretty much got everyone to think I shouldn't pass, even though she was not even there while I was doing it. And then she was very mean with me when she told me that she didn't want me to start serving, she said she wanted me "back at the host stand". I was enraged... I told her off and told her how ungrateful she was considering I am the host/curbside/table tender trainer that does the most training, and I am one of the very few people that is even nice to her in that fucking restaurant... she had me describe a few menu items and I described them all perfectly and then the italian margarita as well, but she said I didnt "sell it to her"... and then she went on to say she wanted me to completely redo training(a harsh series of classes/follows/tests that usually lasts about a week and a half to two weeks) when everyone else gets to redo their final a few days later when they fail. I became outraged and went to talk to fabian(the GM) that said it was up to Mayela. At first he was no help, but I became very angry and so we(me, him, and Mayela) went to talk in the office. He went on to say they had no time for me to retake my final and that there was no excuse for me, a trainer, to fail it, and then they even went on to say that they didn't know what was going on with me and pretty much that I was doing a bad job at my job all together. They said maybe I was having personal problems. Maybe I am, but I really try not to let it bother me at work. Well, when they said that, I just broke down... I tried to stop the tears, but I couldn't, but I couldn't talk with them about what was going on either. I mean Mayela even tried to get me to cut off my Kaballah bracelet... How could I talk with someone like her about my problems... but I mean, then again, I was there for her when she had to cry about her neice dying... Well, I don't have to redo training, and I am retaking the final in two weeks, but as far as that goes, and them treating me like that and belittling me that far down, I am looking for another job... I even told them that... and if I havn't found another job in the next two weeks, I will retake the final and serve until I find another job, but I just can't keep working there... maybe I will work for Carinos again if I move to cruces, because I am thinking about it, because Stevie is going there in January and she wants me to room with her... so we will see...

To top it all off, my Dad is getting promoted so he is most likely moving to Houston in a few months... one comfort I will have here. I mean, I know I could always go with him, start college there, start over... but is that really what I want? I mean what will I have then? My dad... he's always out of town anyways, so then what, a lonely house? Sucks, but I can't try to control or lessen his abilities to move forward and to get farther in life. I will still seem him... I'm sure I will be there on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and time in the Summer... but still.

So, I don't know if it is all that or what, but lately, I have just been on such an emotional roller coaster, and maybe some of it even has to do with me not writing it down... I mean I havn't wrote in my blog or live journal in over a month... so now, I am just going to try to work through this, one thing at a time... I can only be thankful for God, he's always on my side, and my friends and family that can be there for me now and always... I love all of them.

(5 explicit views | make a sex tape)

what do you think bitches?   
07:25pm 12/08/2005
  Image hosted by TinyPic.com

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Image hosted by TinyPic.com

peace, love, and MATT

(7 explicit views | make a sex tape)

A terrifyingly terrific Tuesday...   
06:06pm 27/07/2005
  Yesterday was really crazy...

I got up, cleaned my room and got dressed, and then Carlos came and picked me up at around 2ish, and then we headed on over to Jaque's place for some drinks and just to chill... It was pretty hot, and then soon, Lindsey came back with her friend and her adorable daughters. Then, eventually, Jessica joined us as well, and we all had a good 'ol time off box wine.

Then, around 7ish, we were super hungry, so we decided to go to Mickey D's. And our cashier was that girl that Angel hates, Antoinette, so of course I told her the good news about Angel's new job. hehe.

But then, as we were eating, there was this adorable little kitten rubbing up against the door to the kids play area, so I went outside to play with her, and I tried to get the children to play with her... and then when we were leaving she was still there, so I felt bad for her and I took her home. She must have been abandoned, because she is so small, and she was sooooo dirty and soooo skinny. So I took her home, and then I went to buy her food and kitty litter, and then when I got home I bathed her. She is soooo adorable... I love her. Me and Jessica named her Elizabeth Taylor.

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Image hosted by TinyPic.com
Who could say no to that face?

And she even get's along so well with my puppy, Ginger. At first, she was kinda scared, but before you knew it Ginger was giving her a tongue bath and they were running around together and everything.

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Then, later in the evening, Carlos called me and told me to come drinking with him and our friend, Mike, so I did. I hadn't seen him in so long, so it was quite fun...

And then, we left there and went over to cynthia's house for a little kickback... tons of fun as always.

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Image hosted by TinyPic.com

Image hosted by TinyPic.com

And then for once, I actually got a good night's sleep, well other than Ginger and Elizabeth Taylor repeatedly waking me up... ok, so maybe it wasn't so good, but at least I got and interrupted full 8 hours. hehe.

And then, I woke up, ready for a new day!

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Image hosted by TinyPic.com

And then, today, I took my sister and her friend to the mall, and then, me and carlos went back to see Carlos, Jaque, and Lindsey, and then we went to the bank with them, and then came back and chilled for a while.

They wanted us to come back and drink with them tonight, but I dont know, we will probably end up going to the House of Rock and Roll Bar.

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Don't fuck with me and the Crystal, you hear me bitch?   
12:22pm 26/07/2005
  -SaTuRdAy NiGhT-
Me and Carlos went to JJ's to eat, because we hadn't been there in forever... YUMMY. Then we headed on over to Jose's house for some cocktails. Fun, fun! And then on the way out, wearing my sunglasses at around 10:30, I was blinded and got attacked by a cactus! Scary... and it stung! So then, we headed on over to Carlos's house, freshened up a bit, and then went straight to the club, although it wasn't as good as it was on Friday, so we didn't stay too long. Afterwards, we headed over to Rojer's place for a while and then headed out.

I had to go into work, but they didnt keep me long. My manager just had me run some errands and then let me go. So then, I met up with Carlos at KFC, and then I realized I had locked my keys in my car. OMG, lucky for me, I had lost my spare in carlos's car on one drunken night, so we searched his car and finally found it. Thank god. And then I wanted to re-crystalize my phone, but Hobby Lobby was closed... AHHHH... I was freakin out, but eventually we found some and so then we spent all afternoon doing that, and my phone is so hot now! weeeee!!!

Then, later that night, we met up with Cynthia, Sara, Marian, Tessa, Britney, and some other people and we went to Music under the stars... and cynthia made some delish Shrimp Pasta thingy. It was so fun! And then afterwards, we went to Cynthia's house to have some drinks... I think maybe too many, because then, after everyone except me, tessa, and Cynthia left, we started getting all emotional and talking about first loves and what not. lol... and then, they walked me home(because I live like up the street. YAY!

Yesterday, I had to work... I was sad, because I wanted to go to Derek's Birthday Dinner, but then afterwards I met up with them for the party. On the way there, I got pulled over and got a ticket, but it's bullshit, because my radar went off, so I slammed on my brakes, and then I was all like asking the cop all these questions, and he couldn't answer half of them, so this is gonna be an easy one to beat in court. Plus, he gave me a ticket for having new mexico plates with a texas driver's license! ugh! But the party was tons of fun, except for us getting lost on the east side trying to get home.

Who knows? Hopefully something fun, because I don't have to work! Woohoo!

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It's steeper farther down the way...   
11:07am 23/07/2005
  Wow... life is just so crazy anymore. I mean I sit here, in this dull meaningless fealing of numb and I don't even know what the fuck is going on anymore. Sometimes life sends you things as tests, trials, or sometimes just as reality checks. Sometimes you get to the point where you realize LIFE IS TOO SHORT... you have to live for the time and for the day, because it's always running out. Cherish memories, Spend time with loved ones, Make everything you do an adventure, and MOST IMPORTANTLY... don't forget to laugh.

Sometimes, in our time or day, it's just so hard to break away. It's hard to ignore your phone, to not fall into the crowd, to not be constantly worried about earthly responsibilities... and what for? So we can stress out, so we can worry, so we can cry?

This week has sent me on some rough and rocky turns with my boyfriend. I mean, it's just been terrible, and I realize how much it is upsetting us both.

Last night, was my best friend, Carlos's birthday. We arranged a larger dinner for him at Jaxon's and we all had a really good time, and I told myself from the beggining of the evening that I wasn't going to let anything ruin the day. I sure was tried with that one. By the time we barely left the restaurant, my boyfriend was already getting into his mood of being all upset and thinking I ignore him. God, what does he expect? It was my best friend's birthday. I have known Carlos for almost 4 years, and I have barely been dating my boyfriend for about a month. Of course, I was going to put carlos as the upmost important yesterday. Obviously, Alonzo(my boyfriend) just didnt understand that, because he was already telling my friends how upset I get him and then gets up and nicely says good bye and hugs everyone and then gets to me says "GOOD BYE", turns around and walks away. I was so pissed and so embarressed, and so I had Lindsey intercept all of his calls, and then he finally came back and nearly caused such a scene, and I basically told him how it was, and he begged to go out with us to wherever we went afterwards, and I told him to leave, and he wouldn't take no as an answer, so I had no choice but to tell him I would speak with him tomorrow, pushed him off me, and walked into the house.

Maybe sometimes, I am an insensitive bitch, but I don't deserve this. I don't deserve someone being so negative and always trying to bring me down and make me feel like the worste person on earth.

I am already going through so much stress right now. I mean, it still is hard dealing with the loss of my cousin(who my boyfriend, so vulgarly, could care less about), I am stressed out at work, because of so many new things, and my manager being on such a power trip, and it just seems like they have been finding reason after reason to bitch at me. I am probably going to start looking for a new job, because this has me stessed to the point where I just think about it all the time... I even have nightmares constantly that I missed work, or that I did something so completely wrong, or whatever. Today is a great example of this bullshit. They have the nerve to write me up and then ask me to do them favors? Not to mention, they still havn't made me a server like they promised 5 months ago. Plus, I am also completely flipping out about getting into school... I procrastinated and now it is such a mess... I am just praying, everything get's cleared up fast.

Although, I did have a great time last night. We partied our assed off at the OP and everyone from Jaxon's/cocktails at Carlos's came along. And after we dropped off Jessica, me and Andre even went over and chilled with Luis and Jared.

What will life throw at me today? Who knows...

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01:19pm 11/07/2005
  ***This past week was crazy...

-Trip to Virginia

So, it all started out last Friday, July 1st. I had gone to the Foam Party at the Zone the night before, and didn't get home until 2 a.m, when I still had to pack and leave my house by 4:30, so I just packed, showered, got dressed, and then I was off to the airport to head out on American Airlines(Might I say is the fucking worste airlines in history... their people are fuckin rude.)

So after the etrocious line at the crack of dawn, I was finally off for a sucky ass flight in which I would have to make 2 flight changes. So, finally, about 8 hours later, I arrived at my destination, which would be hell for the next 2 days. I was bored off my ass... The only fun thing I did was go to my cousin's race(he races with the Hooters Pro Cup), and he came out first, so that was cool.

The next day, we all headed out to Roanoke for my cousin's wedding. It was held at the Hotel Roanoke, the premier hotel of the area, and it was a very nice ceremony, although the reception got boring VERY quickly. I guess that's what happens when you only invite like 75 people.

-Then came the bad news...

My Dad called me late that night to tell me my cousin Michael had been killed in a car accident. His girlfriend ran a ran a read light and he was struck by an oncoming car and killed instantly. I was shocked at the news... Michael was only 2 months older than me... He was the first person I ever drank with, He was the first person I ever smoked with, We were always inseperable when I was down there in Florida, or when we would travel to California. It was just so weird... I mean we both started driving at the same time, Graduated at the same time, and we were both planning on starting college in the Fall. He was even planning on coming down here to stay for a while... he wanted to party with me in Juarez(cuz i had been telling him about it since I was 15... lol) or that maybe we would go to Puerto together... I think I'm still in shock, I don't want to believe that something like this could happen... He was only 18.

So I caught a flight(this time on delta) out to Ft. Myers, Florida so I could be there for the viewing and the funeral, and to comfort my family. On the way there, I kept thinking I was going to Florida for like just a regular visit/vacation, and I kept thinking I would be able to see Michael and that we would go have fun, party, be stupid, and then I would remember that I would see him, but not the way I wanted to...

It's so weird thinking back on it... It could have just as easily happened to me... you never really think of anything like that... I mean, your young, your having fun... your invincable, right?

I gave a reading at the funeral... It was kinda weird actually, cuz I could almost hear Michael laughing at me for reading those scriptures to him... I mean, we never would have read them when he was here.

El Paso never looked so beautiful... it's amazing how it could bring a smile to my face so easily...

Friday Evening, I landed back in El Paso... thank god, that was the last of the 8 flights I was on this week. I headed straight home where I met my friends and my boyfriend and we went out to Party. I had missed them all sooooooo much!

-Viva la Fiesta!

So we headed across the border(walking) and walked all the way to albatraz and then eventually headed on over to bananas, and then we got bored around 1:00 and so we left and heade on over to the Zone, because I had told Vince I would go, so he put me and my friends on the list. And FYI, those of you that havn't heard, it's 18 and over now, and it's been getting good lately... and those of you that are 21 and over, there is free well drinks from 10-11, so it's really hot in there! And talk to me if you are interesting in getting VIP passes.

-1st Stop- The SEXY Party! dont forget to wear black and white

So Saturday Night, I had the party at my house... SUCH A SUCCESS... so many people ended up coming, and there was so much alchahol... all we started out with was 2-1.75 liter bottles of Vodka mixed into the Jungle Juice, and a bottle of Tequila for shots. Over the course of the night, we ended up with 3 more large vodka bottles, 2- 6 packs of malt, a six pack of budweiser select, and 2-30 packs of Bud Light. Woah, it was so fun, and everyone was so fucked up... it was awesome! Then, at about 3:00, I got everyone to leave so that we could go to Village Inn, and we still had a 20 person table at Village Inn.

Then, I was super tired, so me and Alonzo just came back and crashed at my place.

The next morning was sure FUN to clean up... the floor had the jungle juice all over it! beer cans and bottles were scattered through out. It was crazy, but not my house is sparkling clean again... thank god.

-Last Night- Music Under the Stars

So last night, me, alonzo, carlos, christian, and jessica met to go to music under the stars... we still had tons of alchahol from the night before, so we were ready to have fun!

Within the hour of getting there, we had already accumulate like a huge group of probably at least 20 people, so it was bad ass! And then, afterwards, everyone headed on over to Carlos's house for the afterparty, plus we invited more people... it was so fun, until me and alonzo got in a fight(maybe it was just because we were both drinking alot, I don't know), and he ended up walking out on me, and I was really upset, and so I kept calling him and he kept hanging up on me... I was so afraid I was gonna lose him. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. He likes me for who I am, and I like him for who he is. I feel comfortable with him, and I feel like I can tell him anything, so eventually I got him to come back, and I got the biggest grin when he got out of his car... I was so happy to see him! and we spent the next 2 hour and a half just talking and we made up... I was so glad, cuz like I said, I really do care about him, and he is such a good thing in my life, and I don't think I could take loosing him...

-Today--- Back to Reality

I finished cleaning the house this morning, and in about an hour, I will be picking my family up from the airport... I am kinda glad, it's been a little too quiet around here, it's just been me and my puppy, Ginger, not to mention there's like no food, because I'm too lazy to go grocery shopping...

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Out of Step   
09:38pm 01/07/2005
  God, this week, I have been having so much fun... I have been seeing Alonzo like everyday, and I just really like him. He is so cute, and so nice, and he's smart and interesting, and I love all of his friends... and even though he's busy, he makes plenty of time for me...

Yesterday, I had to work in the morning, but I was off by about 2:30, and then I had to get some shit taken care of with my lawyer before I left town, and then Alonzo called me and asked me to go swimming with him and his friend Pauline and the Coronado Country Club, so I did... unfortunately I could only stay for about an hour, because I had to have dinner with my Dad(I couldn't say no after I was asking him for money) and then me and Alonzo were planning to go to dinner, but neither one of us were hungry so we just went to Barnes & Nobles, and guess who we ran into there? Pauline... LOL! What are the chances? But I love her, she's so hot, and she seems really cool... and then like the minute she left, my brother, Daniel called and said he was coming over... LOL! so then he came over, and we all went to Carinos.

Then, I went and picked up Jessica and changed, and then we met David and everyone at his Casa, and Alonzo met us there too, and then we all headed to the foam party at the ZONE! HOT!

Alonzo's sister came too... she was awesome, and really pretty, and a medical student. wow! So we all had a blast...

And then, came the BIKINI CONTEST! woohoo! and guess who won??? None other than our infamous JESSICA! She won $120 bucks! WOW!

We then left there around 2, I headed home, packed, got dressed, and headed to the Airport(I didn't even sleep at all). And so I was flying most of the day today... I had to take a flight from El Paso to Dallas, and then from Dallas to Nashville, and then this tiny commuter plane from Nashville to Tri-Cities... sucky! I have a feeling this is going to be a VERY LONG trip... the wedding is on Sunday in Roanoke and then I am going to Busch Gardens(I think) and then to Virginia Beach, and COMING HOME on thursday!

Oh, and I got a call from Vince today offering me a sonsistent paying position on the Promotions team. He wants me to get the 18-20 crowd in the club... so I have been busy making phone calls trying to get people there this weekend, and then I am meeting with Vince when I get back to see what is gonna happen.

(make a sex tape)

P R i D E   
05:10pm 27/06/2005
mood: giddy
So yesterday was Gay Pride, and so there was like a fesatival and stuff on Ochoa street and like everyone was parting since like 12:00, and I was so bummed out, because I had to work...

But you know me, being a whiney bitch, they eventually let me go home early... I only worked till like 7:15, so then I went home and got dressed and stuff, met up with Alonzo(awww... and he looked soooo hot) and his friend Maria, and then we went to pick up Jessica, and we first went to David's house to meet up with him, Jonothan, and Derek, so we could all go together.

So we got there, and then we got pissed off, because apparently most of the stuff was at the Mining and they stopped letting 18-20 year olds in at 10, and it was like 10:15, so then we headed on over to the OP, and it was so packed. It was so much fun, and they had like foam, or bubbles or some shit blowing all over the place, and the drag shows were actually pretty entertaining, so it was a blast.

I was having so much fun with Alonzo, and then I was so sad, cuz he had to go at like 12:30, because he started summer school this morning... so then the rest of us stayed till 2:00... it was fun, but it wasn't quite as fun as when he was still there.

Then this morning, my brother made me wake up to go take him to pay something on his summer school... and then I ran some errands, I took Jessica to the Health Center to sign up for her foodhandler's class(because she's gonna work with me! YAY!), and then we met up with Carlos to go Sunglass Shopping, and I finally got my transcripts for Franklin, so tomorrow I have to go and finish registering... I hope I get registered in time... or else I'm gonna be some loser that doesn't do shit until January...

Later, me, Jessica, and Carlos are supposed to meet up and hang out some more, and then I'm gonna hang out with Alonzo when he gets off work. yay!

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Wow... maybe my Horoscope was right...   
09:52am 25/06/2005
  Wow, yesterday was such an awesome day... It's like I was floating on a cloud. Everything just went my way, besides the little incident with my dog being a crazy bitch when I went to autozone(Long Story).

I was bummed out, because I had to go to work at 6:30... that means I would have had to close(I probably wouldn't have left before 11:30), and carlos was having a pool party starting at 9, so by the time I would have got there, everyone would have been so tired and fucked up, BUT THANKS TO MY DOLL OF A MANAGER(and them loving me oh so much), they let me go home, because it wasn't that busy. So I went shopping... I intended on only buying a swimsuit, but when you see the word SALE, you can never stop(so maybe I bought a few too many things, but they were all super cute!)

So then, I headed on over to Carlos's place, we set up for the party, got dressed, planned the music, etc. We were calling like everyone with like an hour's notice... OOPS.

So, then Anthony and Paul came and we sent them to buy huge bottles of Vodka... YAY!

And then the rest of the guests started arriving(including Eric, who I think was hooking up with Anthony... CRAZY)

And then this guy Zoey, arrived with Travis and these two hot chicks, and immediately, I was like so head over heels for him, so throughout the course of the night we were talking and stuff alot, and dude, we just like clicked. It was hot.

And then so crazy shit happened, so Carlos made everyone leave, so we took the party to Luis's Apartment, and Zoey rode with me. So then we were just having a really good time, and when we got out of the car and were walking, I don't know how it came up, but I just asked him to be my boyfriend, and so ya, he said yes. It was hot! Made my Night!

Then, like Daniel was so fucked up, and he like ran out of the apartment with his keys saying he was gonna drive, so me and Zoey had to chase him around the apartment complez, and then he slipped and hit his head on the rock wall, and his head like started bleeding... WE WERE SO SCARED, so like we carried him up to the apartment and cleaned it up and just tried to make sure he was ok, and then he STILL wanted to Drive, but we took away his keys, so he left and we couldn't find him. So then I called him, and he said he was in a car, so we were like looking through all the cars in the parking lot, and turns out, he was just in my car. And, so the madness went on, until he went to sleep in his car.

So then, we left and went to Carlos's house to get Zoey's car, and then we went to the OP to try to catch Danny(other one, Julio's bf) and by the time we got there, I guess they had already left... so we just danced for like 10 minutes and then left.

So then, we went to Taco C. He's so cute. We were like pertending to race each other everytime we would get to a light. LOL. We had kid's meals. YUMMY

And then, we decided to go to the Park, and we were there just talking until like 5:30 this morning. It was so cute. He's so cute. I really like him.

Today, we are supposed to go to NELLY! WOO WOO!!! And I had an extra ticket, so hopefully, he's gonna go with us.

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We will be hosting a string of events the weekend of July 8th   
09:48am 23/06/2005
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All-fried OUT   
08:21am 23/06/2005
  Lately, I have been so sick of work. I don't know whether it's because I have been working so damn much, or because they repeatedly need me to train, so in turn they never train me to be a server, or maybe that our management is changing(and sometimes, with me, that's just straight-out risky... it's not that I don't like Fabian, I really do like him, It's just he like kind of spazzes when anything goes wrong, and so I don't know how long I will last)... but nonetheless, I needed a breather, so I took the last 2 days off. It was nice, but I was reminded why I shouldn't have too much free time... I spend WAY TOO MUCH MONEY!!! So, it's off to work for me again today, I have to make some more money. I am doing Curbside today at 5:30, and tomorrow I get paid... that's good, but I have to save since I am going to be taking the first week of July off to go to Roanoke.

So anyways, yesterday I just kind of hung out around my house, got ready, ran some errands, etc, etc.

Then, I eventualy called Andre to see what he was doing, and he was with SpeedRacer, so I met up with them at the mall, and we shopped a little, and then got some Spazzo.

Eventually, we left, and headed on over to PF Chiangs... It was so weird, because as we were waiting outside, Carlos, Jessica, and Carlos's family walked out of the restaurant... WEIRD, HUH? So then, we ate, and Big David joined us, and our server was UBER HOT! I was like YUM-ME!

Then, we went to buy some Vodka, Margarita Mix, and Wine(weird combo, right?) and we headed on over to Carlos's house for Poolside Cocktails. FUN STUFF!

And, who knows what I will do before work today... HMMM....

(make a sex tape)

CoLoRs ArE bEtTeR bRiGhTeR   
02:21pm 22/06/2005
  So yesterday I was off, and my Mom took the day off so she took my brother to school, so I actually go to sleep in for once. Then I got up and got dressed, and I was supposed to go with this guy to lunch, but there was a change of plans, so I ended up going out to lunch with carlos. We shopped a little at the mall, and then we went to pick up his boyfriend, and to get the stuff from Travis, and so then Carlos bleached his hair. We are both so fuckin Platinum now!Woohoo!

Then we just kinda chilled around Carlos's house, eventually made dinner... "Tuna Helper"? and Hamburgers... LOL... and Jessica came over and joined us.

Jessica went to Carino's for the Round Table Interview yesterday. I told them how good she was and how hot she was and that they better hire her, so then later(after her well presentable interview) she got hired! WOOHOO! We are gonna be working together now! SEXY!

So then, we went drinking at Anthony's to celebrate, and Paul was there and Travis ended up coming as well. It was so fun. I am so sad, because they said they are gonna be moving to San Diego in like a month! Why do all of my friends MOVE AWAY???

Anyways... I took some pics of me being even more platinum and tan than usual! WOOHOO!

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